Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
