take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
can u get pink eye on your cock?
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
