Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
