Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Randomize
