If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
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