So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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