took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I will be naked everywhere
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
