I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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