Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize