There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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