I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
