a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
