You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Randomize
