last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
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