I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
