Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
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Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
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Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
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