We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
