Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
