someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
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