I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
