I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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