I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
He did a backflip because drugs
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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