When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
