I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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