im drinking this country out of the recession.
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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