I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
