Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Randomize
