Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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