i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
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