got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Oh god it's open bar.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
