go do what you do best...puke behind churches
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I have fence marks all over my body
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
