She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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