I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
