She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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