I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
