me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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