i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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