i may or may not be watching the land before time
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
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