You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
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