Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
We need to get me chipped asap
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
