i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
