he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
