we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
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