We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
