Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
