Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Randomize
