i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
