i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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