Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
