If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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