This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
