just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
