Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
