I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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