My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
