im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Randomize
