Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
