Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
