Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Randomize
