im six kinds of drunk right now
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
