I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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