The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
