I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize
