So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
